New Year's resolutions are terrible. I won't say they're the worst because, you know, they're not, but they're still pretty heinous. Everyone automatically expects you to make them and you probably just expect yourself to make them, too. The thing is, everyone makes the same sorts of resolutions every year – lose weight, eat healthy, stop smoking, join the gym, stop wasting money – and by February, if not sooner, they're already failed endeavors. Then you just spend the rest of the winter feeling terrible about yourself for not having any willpower or goals. What would happen if we made the resolutions we really wanted to, instead of the ones we're supposed to make? I think it'd go a little something like these realistic New Year's resolutions …
1 Pet as Many Animals as You Can
Why? Because when you pet a puppy (or a kitten, or a bunny, or a ferret), you're practically guaranteed a smile.
2 Lose Some Weight
Well, I mean, it's a common enough New Year's resolution, right?
3 ...then Gain It Back Again
This is also a common resolution, but only because it happens so damn often. You always gain it back, always! I blame Valentine's Day and chocolate.
4 Think up an Excuse for Not Starting Yoga
Well, if starting yoga is one of your resolutions, you might as well get a head start on coming up with an excuse to explain why you haven't done it yet.
5 Waste Money on a Gym Membership You Never Use
The idea behind paying for a gym membership – that you won't possibly waste something you've spent money on – is a good one ... in theory. In practice, however, it's way, way too easy to let that membership go to waste.
6 Spend a Day Pretending like You're Really Going to Quit Social Media
You know, spend a day not posting, sharing, liking, or tweeting, even though you're reading your timeline and refreshing your newsfeed every fifteen minutes.
7 Don't Eat Your Weight in Doughnuts
Now here's an excellent, health-conscious resolution! You should never eat your weight in doughnuts. You should only eat a quarter of your weight in doughnuts.
8 Don't Eat Your Weight in Chocolate
Eat twice your weight in chocolate. Always. No exceptions.
9 Take Lots of Pictures of Your Pets
Each year has its share of bad days, but if you can scroll through pictures of your pets during your worst days, they won't seem nearly so awful.
10 Don't Quit All Your Vices
No one likes a quitter.
11 Don't Spend More than Twelve Hours on a Netflix Binge
Every twelve hours, try to get up, stretch, go to the bathroom, and give your butt time to wake up and stop tingling.
12 Pick up a New Hobby That You'll Give up on in Two Months
Do you promise to try the same hobby year after year? Well, this year pick something new to give up on.
13 Try Not to Blow Your Paycheck Two Days after Getting Paid
The only financial advice you'll ever need.
14 Promise to Floss Regularly … Right before Every Dental Appointment
I mean, it still counts as "regularly," right? Kind of?
15 Wiki All the Classic Books You Always Say You'll Read
Just in case anyone calls you out on your reading goals and you have to drop the mic with a plot synopsis.
16 Stop Vaguebooking
No, really. Stop it. STOP.
17 Do What Makes You Happy
This is the only resolution you ever really need.
So what are your New Year's goals, stalkers? Are you going for realistic or idealistic?