All Women's Talk

3 Cool AF Ways Yo Rasterize Your Root Chakra ...

By Sheena

Hey girlfriend, need some ways to rasterize your root chakra? Have you been feeling like your salt lamp is just a little less lit these days? Believe me, I've been there. The Soyuz is in retrograde, it's impossible to find a paraben-free avocado, and WORST OF ALL Miley is parting ways with her horse ranch. It's a cray-cray world out there! But if there's one thing I've learned, it's that sometimes you gotta just rasterize your root chakra. You CAN'T EVEN? Never fear, dear! Here are 10 TOTALLY ON FLEEK ways to rasterize your root chakra.

1 Rub Some Watermelon Tourmaline Essence on Your Inner Temples While Slowly Chanting the following Mantra: "I'M SORRY, the OLD TAYLOR CAN'T COME to the PHONE RIGHT NOW."

I always recommend GMO-free gem essences from a Certified Crystallographic Apothecary, but if your Venmo balance is running a little low these days, you can always bloviate your own at home. Just make sure that you keep the bottles pointed toward Virgo and that the water you're using is fair trade and free of dihydrogen monoxide! This is one of the best ways to rasterize your root chakra.

2 Light an Edamame-scented Candle and Visualize the Great Bespoke Owl Alighting on Your Solar Plexus

But if she arrives looking like she flew right off the clearance rack of a big box store, HOLD THE F**K UP. Your longitudinal beam might be double-flanged! Take three deep breaths, check your awareness, and try again. And if you've had any contact with any chemicals within the last 48 hours, you may need to try a few more times until your spirit bird is completely artisanal.


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3 Assume the Paschal Lamb Position for 108 Drumbeats, Rotate 180 Degrees, and Repeat

Not only is this a great way to rasterize your root chakra but it's also a SUPER FIERCE flab-burner, especially if you follow it up with a nutritious and delicious smoothie of vegan anchovies, sustainably-harvested hyacinth, and protein-rich prions! Or, for an even more low-cal option, try photosynthesis! It's 100% natural and won't EVER leave you feeling bloated like a BPA-laced inflatable pool toy!

So, girlfriend, I know the struggle is real, but I am positive that if you BELIEVE, you can ACHIEVE, and that if you can ACHIEVE, then you can WEAVE the web of interbeing that binds all of our spirits together. YOU DO YOU, BOO!

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