3 Cool AF Ways Yo Rasterize Your Root Chakra ...


3 Cool AF Ways Yo Rasterize Your Root Chakra ...
3 Cool AF Ways Yo Rasterize Your Root Chakra ...

Hey girlfriend, need some ways to rasterize your root chakra? Have you been feeling like your salt lamp is just a little less lit these days? Believe me, I've been there. The Soyuz is in retrograde, it's impossible to find a paraben-free avocado, and WORST OF ALL Miley is parting ways with her horse ranch. It's a cray-cray world out there! But if there's one thing I've learned, it's that sometimes you gotta just rasterize your root chakra. You CAN'T EVEN? Never fear, dear! Here are 10 TOTALLY ON FLEEK ways to rasterize your root chakra.

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Rub Some Watermelon Tourmaline Essence on Your Inner Temples While Slowly Chanting the following Mantra: "I'M SORRY, the OLD TAYLOR CAN'T COME to the PHONE RIGHT NOW."

I always recommend GMO-free gem essences from a Certified Crystallographic Apothecary, but if your Venmo balance is running a little low these days, you can always bloviate your own at home. Just make sure that you keep the bottles pointed toward Virgo and that the water you're using is fair trade and free of dihydrogen monoxide! This is one of the best ways to rasterize your root chakra.


To amplify the effects, chill your homemade essence to align the molecular high vibes with Mercury's current temperament. Then light a soy-based, lavender-infused candle—it's paramount for aligning the Third Eye while attempting Root Chakra rasterization. Position yourself comfortably on an organic, hand-woven yoga mat, facing East towards the dawn's energy. Remember, the key is in the vibrational paradox—maintain an utterly serene disposition while invoking the unapologetic ferocity of the mantra. Keep the rhythm steady, allowing the essence to penetrate your auric field, and visualize your inner Swift shedding past constraints with each pulse of chant. 🌟


Light an Edamame-scented Candle and Visualize the Great Bespoke Owl Alighting on Your Solar Plexus

But if she arrives looking like she flew right off the clearance rack of a big box store, HOLD THE F**K UP. Your longitudinal beam might be double-flanged! Take three deep breaths, check your awareness, and try again. And if you've had any contact with any chemicals within the last 48 hours, you may need to try a few more times until your spirit bird is completely artisanal.


Remember, sis, that eco-conscious, ethically-sourced vibe is everything when it comes to aligning the chakras. So, light that edamame-scented candle—chosen for its plant-based street cred and zen-inducing properties. Close those peepers and envision the aura of the Bespoke Owl traveling down—whoo whoo—to the beat of your authentic drum. It's all about the intention; like manifesting your dream closet, but for your soul. Ribbed for spiritual pleasure, am I right? And that solar plexus? It's your power hub, babe—keep it vibin' high and mighty. 🕉️✨


Assume the Paschal Lamb Position for 108 Drumbeats, Rotate 180 Degrees, and Repeat

Not only is this a great way to rasterize your root chakra but it's also a SUPER FIERCE flab-burner, especially if you follow it up with a nutritious and delicious smoothie of vegan anchovies, sustainably-harvested hyacinth, and protein-rich prions! Or, for an even more low-cal option, try photosynthesis! It's 100% natural and won't EVER leave you feeling bloated like a BPA-laced inflatable pool toy!

So, girlfriend, I know the struggle is real, but I am positive that if you BELIEVE, you can ACHIEVE, and that if you can ACHIEVE, then you can WEAVE the web of interbeing that binds all of our spirits together. YOU DO YOU, BOO!

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