New Year's resolutions are terrible. I won't say they're the worst because, you know, they're not, but they're still pretty heinous. Everyone automatically expects you to make them and you probably just expect yourself to make them, too. The thing is, everyone makes the same sorts of resolutions every year – lose weight, eat healthy, stop smoking, join the gym, stop wasting money – and by February, if not sooner, they're already failed endeavors. Then you just spend the rest of the winter feeling terrible about yourself for not having any willpower or goals. What would happen if we made the resolutions we really wanted to, instead of the ones we're supposed to make? I think it'd go a little something like these realistic New Year's resolutions …
Why? Because when you pet a puppy (or a kitten, or a bunny, or a ferret), you're practically guaranteed a smile.
Well, I mean, it's a common enough New Year's resolution, right?
This is also a common resolution, but only because it happens so damn often. You always gain it back, always! I blame Valentine's Day and chocolate.
Well, if starting yoga is one of your resolutions, you might as well get a head start on coming up with an excuse to explain why you haven't done it yet.
The idea behind paying for a gym membership – that you won't possibly waste something you've spent money on – is a good one ... in theory. In practice, however, it's way, way too easy to let that membership go to waste.
You know, spend a day not posting, sharing, liking, or tweeting, even though you're reading your timeline and refreshing your newsfeed every fifteen minutes.
Now here's an excellent, health-conscious resolution! You should never eat your weight in doughnuts. You should only eat a quarter of your weight in doughnuts.
Eat twice your weight in chocolate. Always. No exceptions.
Each year has its share of bad days, but if you can scroll through pictures of your pets during your worst days, they won't seem nearly so awful.
No one likes a quitter.
Every twelve hours, try to get up, stretch, go to the bathroom, and give your butt time to wake up and stop tingling.
Do you promise to try the same hobby year after year? Well, this year pick something new to give up on.
The only financial advice you'll ever need.
I mean, it still counts as "regularly," right? Kind of?
Just in case anyone calls you out on your reading goals and you have to drop the mic with a plot synopsis.
No, really. Stop it. STOP.
This is the only resolution you ever really need.
So what are your New Year's goals, stalkers? Are you going for realistic or idealistic?