1. Do Recognize Where You Went Wrong

One of the most important sorry dos in this list of dos and don’ts of apologizing is to recognize where you went wrong. If you don’t recognize what you did wrong, how can you know what you are sorry for? It is important that you tell the person you offended that you realize what you did wrong. Research in relationship psychology, such as insights from Psychology Today, highlights that specificity in an apology builds trust. This will help them to feel more forgiving. Don’t you want to know a person recognizes where they have erred when they have wronged you?

2. Don’t Say You’re Sorry That They Are Offended

This is a really cheap shot and one of the clearest examples of what not to do when apologizing. It isn’t an apology at all. Telling someone that you are sorry they are offended is basically the same thing as saying it’s their problem. It isn’t taking responsibility. If this is the way you feel, you are better off saying nothing and reflecting before speaking.

3. Do Use the Right Tone of Voice

You can always tell if someone is truly sorry when they apologize. Among many other factors, the tone of their voice gives it away. Therefore, if you aren’t sorry, don’t say that you are. You may need to spend some time evaluating the situation to see if you are at fault. If you see that you are, a true apology is due, delivered with humility and empathy.

4. Don’t Apologize if You Don’t Mean It

No one wants an insincere apology. If you don’t feel you were wrong then don’t apologize. You may not be wrong. It could be the other person in the wrong. It is always best to only apologize when you know you were wrong.

Key signs of a sincere and effective apology include:

5. Do State How Badly You Feel

In addition to a sincere apology, it can be helpful to state how badly you feel over your actions. It will help the other person to know your actions have grieved you. Let them know you regret whatever poor choice you made. This means a lot when you are receiving an apology. It will soften their resolve toward accepting your apology.

6. Don’t Turn the Conversation around

You do not want to turn the conversation around to the other person when you are apologizing. Your job, when you are apologizing, is to take responsibility for your actions. It is true that the other person may also be in the wrong. But you are only responsible for yourself. If you move from apologizing for your part to attacking their actions, you are getting nowhere.

7. Do It Sooner Rather than Later

If you have wronged someone in some way, it is best to apologize for it sooner rather than later. It is true that you may need some time let yourself calm down. But you don’t want to wait too long. If you do, the person is going to have had more time to develop hard feelings toward you. It may also be harder to apologize as time has passed.

There are some things you should do and some things you shouldn’t when you are apologizing. What are some things you can add to this list of sorry dos? What do you think makes an apology work best? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below!